Words Have Meaning, Random Thoughts Series 3 of 12.

Image credits: Old Books by Juan Álvarez Cebrián

I’ve been contemplating writing about this topic for some time. I personally hate biases so attaching labels to things is a very sensitive area from my perspective. But the BDSM world is a vast play space with many niches and corners. Self awareness is essential when moving within these dynamics. So in this case labels are a plus. When you accurately label yourself you can accurately identify not only what you are but also what you are looking for.

First one note on consent. If there is not expressed consent then it isn’t a proper BDSM dynamic. That means consent for play or consent for entering into a power exchange dynamic. Unless there is an expressed commitment no one owes another person anything. If someone identifies as a submissive that does not make them your submissive unless they agree to filling that role for you. If someone is a Dominant that does not make them your Dominant unless they agree to filling that role for you.

Some elaboration on common identifying terms within a power exchange dynamic.

Master/slave- What the Master says goes, what the slave says is considered sometimes or completely disregarded depending on the individual. The Master’s needs, wants and desires are the ultra primary or the only focus. The Master is to think for the pair, the Master thinks for his slave, the Master will make the best decisions, the slave is to move and adjust their thinking to the Master’s will.

Owner/object- What the Owner says goes what the object says is heard. There is a bit of play within this dynamic. Does he liken his object to a foot stool or a wrist watch. That is a key question. As with all dynamics communication is essential. But some things just are. A Owner of a object can destroy it if he wants with use but in most cases will want to preserve it, improve it and cause it’s value to appreciate. The object is to be used as the Owner sees fit. So the object must obediently move as the Owner wants.

Dominant/submissive- What the Dominant says goes what the submissive says is valued and respected. There is a dance here that is based on leading and following. Respect is 100% essential. The Dominant’s needs, wants and desires are primary. But the submissive’s needs are nurtured, cultivated and worked on as well under the guidance of the Dominant. The Dominant is to think for the pair, the submissive thinks for themselves, communication is key and valued but ultimately the Dominant decides, the Dominant will make the best decision from their vantage point, the submissive is to respectfully comply.

Daddy or Mommy/little girl, babygirl or little boy, babyboy- Daddy or Mommy always know best so they they make the decisions but what the little girl or little boy wants, asks for and desires is taken into account. They are cared for, looked after and nurtured. Essentially their give back is they want to make their Daddy or Mommy happy and seek their approval. Very much like the social parent child dynamic.

Predator/prey- (Primals) The predator’s job is to hunt and assert Dominance over the prey. The prey tries to buck and run from the Dominance of the predator but it is his responsibility to hover and assert control. It is recognized who moves the pair but it is often contested but never to any avail of the prey, the predator always wins.

Brat Tamer/brat- This relationship starts to teeter on a balanced dynamic. Because the power exchange is so minimal. The brat tamer puts his brat into a submissive position by asserting Dominance but in many regards the brat’s bratty behavior drives the interaction. Thus the brat is controlling the Dominant. Also known as topping from the bottom. The brat many times drives their needs through “bad” behavior.

Switch/Switch- The role of Dominant and submissive are interchangeable dependent on the day, mood or circumstances. Balanced.

Self awareness is essential.

I purposely left sadist and masochist out of this breakdown although I know that is the primary identifier or a essential part of who one is for many in the community, including myself. That just has much more to do with what end of sensation play a person likes to be on. The sadist is the orchestrator or driver so they are the top. The masochist is the receiver so bottom. Many many times they fall into one of the above cases within the power exchange as well but not always.

Some other key identifiers-

24/7- Means when within a consensual dynamic with another person one operates within their power exchange roles 100%.

Bedroom- Means they only assume the roles within sexual play settings.

Alpha Sub- Means you top other submissives. It does not mean you top your Dominant that would mean you’re a switch.

Kinkster- Engages in non-typical sexual kinks and commonly can not fully soak into any other labels without trying to redefine them in a major way.

Daddy as a BDSM role of authority, Daddy in age play vs Sugar Daddy- Daddy is thrown around in a ton of different ways often. (Interchangeable with Momma) Daddy within a BDSM relationship may or may not engage in age play. That is not a automatic assumption that can be made. Many times it is only a recognition of authority/power. Other times there is Daddy Dom / little girl play involved. Which has age play intertwined. Lastly I saw a rather decent post written by a Dominant floating around that talked about the role of a Dominant or Daddy being attached to wealth. A role of Daddy or Dominant is never attached to wealth. It is attached to leadership and guidance. Wealth is irrelevant to the equation. However the term Sugar Daddy is most definitely a term attached to wealth. A Sugar Daddy must provide the sustenance of material needs in exchange for affection, love, sex, play or any other need that was expressed and communicated within their consensual dynamic.

Lastly, submissives remember your submission is a gift and can always be revoked. But if you have given your submission in a 24/7 dynamic then your Dominant is the leader. That is the beauty of D/s. The sub lets go and the Dominant carries forward. It is always your right to express your discontent with your Dominant’s decision in a respectful way and/or to terminate your relationship if it no longer meets your needs. In all relationships and even more so in a D/s relationship communication is necessary.