On consent..

The importance of consent cannot be overstated in the BDSM lifestyle, and it has significant implications for personal relationships, health and beyond. Consent is defined as permission for something to happen or agreement to do something. Always gain clear consent before playing with a partner. Some points of note include…

1. Consent is based on the recognition of autonomy, which means an individual has the fundamental and ultimate right to make decisions about one's own body and life. If consent is not given or is retracted STOP, DO NOT PASS GO, SHUT DOWN THE SCENE.

2. Do not engage in coercion. Consent can only freely be given; emotional leveraging, gaslighting or guilt tripping is unacceptable when discussing play.

3. Establish a safe word or hand symbol. Pay attention to its use in a scene. If it’s used, STOP THERE. Undo all restraints and check in verbally. Consent to go on further has been retracted.

4. Text about consent, message about consent, discuss what’s ok and what’s not in detail. Record conversations on video. Have long dialogues. BDSM is about connection. The last thing anyone wants is to be harmed; physically, emotionally, spiritually, reputationally or in any other possible way. Trust is twofold. Do you trust a person’s competency, do you trust their intention. If you’re unsure of either form of trust regarding the bottom/sub or Dominant/Top I suggest moving or putting off play until everyone’s sure about both.

5. Check in on your partner if they look overwhelmed and remind them of their safe word.

6. Respecting an individual's consent is a way of acknowledging their dignity and worth. It sends a powerful message that their feelings, choices, and personhood is valued.

7. In any healthy relationship, consent is a cornerstone of trust and communication. When individuals are comfortable expressing their desires and boundaries, it fosters open dialogue and understanding between parties.

8. Consent to bondage does not mean consent to sex or pain. Consent to pain does not mean consent to sex, and so on. Discuss all the parameters of play. It doesn’t have to be a formal mood killing sit down. Foster complete dialogues. Details matter. What do you like? How do you like scenes to play out? Is this play free form or is this a therapy spanking or a Shabari session. Define what constitutes free form play and what does not. If you agree to limited play (not free form) this is only therapeutic pain then clear consent must be given to move beyond that, same for just sex, just bondage or any other limited kink interaction. If the play is free form where is everyone comfortable with it going to.

9. Medical risks must be addressed by both parties. Not just the risks in the type of play but individual risks as well. Have you recently lost consciousness? Is it normal for you to hyperventilate? These matter in consent. Consent is a two why street. The Dominant as well as the submissive needs to know what responsibility they’re taking on.

10. Always engage in RACK. Concept was first made popular by Gary Switch. “RACK (Risk-Aware, Consensual Kink) Negotiation cannot be valid without foreknowledge of the possible risks involved in the activity being negotiated. "Risk-aware" means that both parties to a negotiation have studied the proposed activities, are informed about the risks involved, and agree how they intend to handle them. Hence [risk-aware] instead of [safe.] [Consensual] is the crux, implying negotiation which implies being able to distinguish fantasy from reality, as well as dealing responsibly with risk factors. If you don't know the risk factors, then you don't know what you're consenting to. Meaningful negotiation must always take place on the common ground of reality. The [kink] part went in to make a snappy acronym. It signifies our transformation of atrocity into ecstasy and admits that though we may enjoy some dark fantasies, we act them out responsibly and consensually.”