My sadism. Random Thoughts series 12 0f 12.

Image credits: Unknown.

My sadism is akin to a child pulling the petals off a rose piece by piece. Walking through a field ripping the flowers out one by one. In simultaneous awe of the beauty and delicacy while immersed in his own cruel nature.

Every sadist is different. No two are or will be the same. No two will have the same vantage point, no two will see a scene the same way. I in my vanilla life am very Dominant. I am used to winning, getting my way. Not primarily because I’m so hard working or was born with any advantage. I win because I think, take my time, plan, execute, hustle, don’t easily get frustrated, am willing to readjust, I’m super durable, confident and relentless. I smile often. I laugh, even at my own hardships. I’m always moving. Slow, fast, left, right, proper direction, erroneous direction; doesn’t matter. I’m always moving. I am always looking for evolution. The same way water cuts through rocks, always moving. That being said there is another part of me. Very vengeful. I forgive mistakes almost instantly. On every level. Sincere fuck ups mean nothing to me, they allow me the opportunity to feel benevolent which I like. In a lifestyle dynamic a sincere mistake will merit some sort of corrective but its never given with any negative emotions. I never “take it personal.” However, when I feel targeted in any way and slighted I feel very vengeful. I work at obtaining my vengeance with a smile. Diligently and patently. Many times in my youth violently. These are fractions of my personality. So how does this relate to my affinity for sexual sadism? Simple. My sadism and my vengeance don’t mix. Resentment, anger, rage. They don’t exist in my scenes. I work through that at the gym and inside my body and mind. I work on myself and surroundings to change the circumstances that make me feel that way. I may discuss it with my submissive or a respected colleague to find a string for me to unravel it.. On rare occasions I’ve taken it out on a team member at the combat academy, sought a professional or tried to drown it at the bar. All three of those usually don’t work as fast or independently as I would like. Sadism to me is pure as falling in love while not looking for it. Sadism is love, art, intimacy, strong building of bonds, tender affection. It’s a gift of attention and sensation. It’s a gift of writing my love and ownership on her body. It is applied in harsh heavy loads but with care unmatched anywhere else in my life. Because I don’t care to hurt her. I care to make her feel. I care to pain her. I care to drop her endorphins. I care to touch her in the most tender ways while those endorphins build then break her. Then gently touch inside every part of her my hands and toys can. Then shatter her again. All while touching her with the dirtiest most invasive words and the sincerest spoken adoration. I care for her to feel loved and feel taken through a truly profound physical journey. I care to show her the pictures as I tell her how tough and proud I am of her. As she thinks holy shit those pictures are of me, how did so much pain feel so good.