Meta-Talks, Over Prescribed and Misunderstood.

Image credits: NBC's Hannibal

Meta-Talks, Over Prescribed and Misunderstood.

I think there needs to be some elaboration here.

Alpha, beta, meta…

Alpha = primary = leader = Dominant

beta = secondary = follower = submissive

Meta = stepping outside of

Thus Meta-Talk is a stepping outside of the dynamic where the Alpha and beta within the dynamic meet to discuss a issue. It is a break/pause in the dynamic.

Or as has been said before “a discussion about the dynamic as opposed to within the dynamic.”

So I want to-

A- Elaborate on why respecting a Meta-Talk is important.

B- Elaborate why frequent Meta-Talks are a sign of a turbulent dynamic. Especially within a 24/7 TPE.

I think Meta-Talks are the Percocet of TPE dynamic relationships. They’re effective when needed but vastly over prescribed and detrimental when used too much.

First my disclaimer, I’m writing from the vantage point of a Dominant in a 24/7 TPE (total power exchange) dynamic. I also realize a 24/7 TPE dynamic is not for everyone. There is nothing wrong with being a “bedroom submissive” nor is there anything wrong with being in a “partnership” or “kinky relationship.” There is no wrong way to BDSM. But there is a right and wrong way to switch, to top, to bottom and to conduct one’s self in a TPE.

First TPE is a total power exchange. The sub hands over their total power in exchange for care, pleasure, love, guidance and a list of other things.

It is not a democracy, it is a hierarchy. One Dominates, one submits. One is a Master, one is a slave. One is a caregiver, one is cared for. In a larger sense no matter what the title Daddy/Mommy, Master and Dominant they all must care for their little/slave/sub to the utmost. That’s part of the gig. It’s the Dominant’s (male or female, gay or straight, cis or trans) responsibility. On the other side is the commitment the sub makes, to hand over the lead in every and all ways. There is a lot of trust and faith involved in that but that’s exactly what the sub signs up for. That for both means if they sign their name or lock on that collar the Dominant is in charge (as the submissive wants) and that submissive is following their lead. (as the Dominant wants) Otherwise there’s no point to a power exchange relationship. It’s about the taking and relinquishing of power. 

While we’re reviewing bare bone basics I would like to add another section on a topic.

The pinnacle of safe and sane play is consent. We all understand that (assumption) so I can gloss over that. The closest next foundational point is the complete unjudged freedom to use a safe word. Why? Because it keeps the submissive safe physically; and mentally. It keeps the submissive safe all around. It’s correct, it’s right and it’s proper. It states when a line is crossed. Thus if used often it is a prime indicator of either a unhealthy dynamic or a brutal mismatch in what this couple is looking for. It is a concept I think most intermediates and novices understand fairly well. The goal is never to push your sub into a space where she needs to safe word.

I think what most intermediate players fail to realize is the differences between a Meta-Talk and using a Safe-Word are few and far between.

- both are saying stop, when used as designed.

- both are a reneging of given power, when used properly.

- Both are a level and equalizing of ground between D/s.

Leveling ground in a relationship dynamic which is based on unlevel ground. 

The third most fundamental rule in a safe and sane dynamic (in my opinion) is the unjudged freedom to use a meta talk at a point of crisis. Why? It keeps the submissive safe mentally, physically and emotionally. It’s correct, it’s right and it’s proper. Just like the use of a safe word. 

IT IS NOT WHERE HEALTHY COMMUNICATION IN A DYNAMIC OCCURS.

That is the vast mistake that social media has perpetuated. Healthy communication about a dynamic occurs within the dynamic. Meta-Talk itself is a break in the dynamic like a safe word. It is a taking back of power. 

A submissive saying-

“Daddy I’m afraid of x,y,z.”

“Sir I have a concern.”

“I have a concern.”

“Can we discuss our week.”

“I would like to discuss our week.”

“I must disclose my thoughts something didn’t sit right with me.”

IS NOT the start of A META-TALK, it’s good communication in a dynamic.

A Dominant saying,

“What are your feelings.”

“Give me your thoughts.”

“Tell me what’s on your mind.”

“Has something pained you.”

“You have any troubles in that pretty/messy little head of yours.”

“Let’s discuss our upcoming week.”

IS NOT THE DOMINANT starting a META-TALK.

It is good communication in a dynamic.

Safe Word = Stops play.

Meta-Talk = Stops the relationship dynamic.

Are they necessary? Yes.

Are they optimal? No.

Good communication should be the goal.

NOT. Safe words or Meta-Talks.

Communication WITHIN the dynamic is the key to both keeping play running smoothly and the relationship running smoothly.